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YEAR 2013 August 9

Feeling confused... feeling irritated... feeling to burst it out.. but am controlling..
hoping that you will know...but I know it is a mission impossible.
Wanna to be loved by you.. wanna to have all your attention.. but it seem like it is in a maze,losing direction of how to show it out...
Always guessing your thinking... always to be mindful while playing with you.. but always getting your cold and hot treatments that makes my heart feeling painful....always asking myself what have I done wrong or will you be giving cold treatment to me again...
I can't take it anymore.. it killing me inside.. it is worst than using a knife to dig a hole in my heart.
Been asking myself if I am not attractive anymore.. been asking myself if you have no more eyes on me anymore.. all these questions is giving me migraine..
Why don't you just tell me and I be glad to leave you alone.
Seriously...  I missing the time of fun and love we used to be and have..
I AM REALLY MISSINGGGGGGgggg....
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Being feeling emo-ing recently. Really feel very very tired.. I thinking whether is it i too sensitive or i just growing up and can see what is going on around me? Now what i really want to do is to run away from here and hide from everybody. I have no motivation and i'm moodless..  I have become quieter than before. Not that cheerful. In my head are full of problems, thinking and emotional struggling. Don't know when i be gg to 'chalet' at Buangkok... :(

True friends?? Bullshit!!

'If you really treasure our friendship, why in the first place you wanna betray it? If you really want me as your friend, why in the first place u throw away the trust i gave you? If you said that you treat me like your sister, why in the place you choose to hurt me deeply and spoilt this fate that god gives? Only one answer, you don't have a heart to treat a person sincerely.'


This is what i wrote on my facebook shoutout this morning. Things happened almost 2 years but every time people keep asking me why i can forgive other people and i can't forgive you. Deep in my heart, someone told me to forgive , but whenever i think of how the thing happened, what the police told me what you told them, what you have tells others etc, I just can't let it go and forgive you. I'm a easily content person and I'm also a person who is easily get hurt. I sometimes really wonder when you give that statement what is going on in your heart. Did you ever regret, guilty or feels shameful of yourself for betraying a friend that being helping you alot, a friend that even she don't have money she will try her best to borrow from friend and lend it to you? Slowly friends around start to show they true font to me. One by one follow you stepping my heart and betray me. Within a year, i was wounded all over. I was too naive to believe that you and those friends are using your heart to be a friend to me. Now i only hope you can  

STOP TELLING PEOPLE YOU STILL MISS 

ME. HYPOCRITE

STOP THINKING WE STILL CAN BE 

FRIEND COZ I WANT NOTHING TO DO 

WITH YOU.

Year 2010 life dairy

It been almost a year that i din post any blog. Life changes a lot after my marriage.

The last blog that i posted was on 25/01/2010. I was still happy that my friends are around me, truthful to me, take me as their sis or buddy, parents' relationship getting better, me and my elder sister are getting marry, waiting for a new family member to join us,but.....it had all changed. It affected me a lot. Make me don dare to trust people, always have to be cautions when talking to my friends now. Somehow rather that my life are v heavy with all these nonsense.

Feb '10: Realized that I pregnant with Baby Jaden. We had to bring forward of our wedding planning. We started to plan the wedding the soonest that we can. Friends around us helping us to prepare.

March '10: We had our 1st screening of the baby. We showed the the screening photo to Amutha and she told us that it was our bday present to her, coz that day was actually her bday (23/3/2010) :)

April '10: Everything was not ready yet and only left few weeks to prepare everything like the gowns, the dowry, buffet etc. Luckily got Amutha to help me. She brought me to buy gown as a gift. I have bought a gown for ROM and cheong sam for actual day. She brought me to Yishun to get accessories for my wedding, asked her 3rd sister to help me do manicure.Carry a baby inside my tummy and had to walk around is tedious for me.But was enjoying the shopping. 30/04/2010 was my ROM day. Morning Amutha brings me to do my hairstyle, Mandy come in the afternoon to do my makeups. And we ready for our ROM. Everyone was happy that day.After that, we had lunch at ABC market to thanks them for attending our ROM. At nite, waiting to comb my hair and prepared myself for my big day. ;)

May '10: This month is the month that changes my life. 01/05/2010 was my Chinese custom wedding. I woke up at 4am to let my sister's friend to help me to do my hair and makeup. She and her husband are very nice people. She do my makeup and hairstyle for free and she got her friend to help out that morning for my Jie Meis. Her husband helping us to take photos for free too. Really grateful that there are such nice people around. Around 8 plus, Alvin and his brothers arrived and gatecrash started with Amutha 1st. She make him to all the forfeits and drinks or eat all kinds of food that my elder sister had prepared for them at the gatecrash. heez.. was so funny when i saw the video that my jie mei take. after that, we went to Alvin's father place for tea ceremony.But when we reached there, i had a shock out of my life. His parents just reached the coffee shop for their breakfast and his brother's family was still sleeping. And the best part is they told us that we told them that the tea ceremony was in the afternoon. I looked at Alvin and just keep quiet. We went up the house to pray the ancestor and trying to have the tea ceremony even the relatives are not ard. His grandma is very sweet. She quickly wake up, slowly walk to the toilet to wash up her face and waiting for us to serve her the tea. All was stop by his brother saying that this can be done when having the wedding buffet at nite time. Alvin was praying at that time and surprisingly that his dad agreed with his brother idea. I keep controlling my tears from dropping and try not to make the situation worst. When we in the lift, my jie meis come and console me and asked me how i feel. I told them don ask anymore as i may not able to control my tears if they keep asking me. Alvin see it and he feel so upset that his family did this. I told him it ok, as long as he treat me good can le. After all i not marry to his family but is to him. We don want waste our time at his father's house so we decided to take some outdoor shots. We went to Changi end to take the shots and i love that place even thou it is very hot. After the shots, we make our way to Hougang for my side of tea ceremony. We at first was so happy till we went back to Lengkok Bahru to rest and my dad actually quarrelled with me bcoz of money. After resting at Lengkok Bahru, we went back to his father place for the buffet and tea ceremony. Again, unhappy things happened. having tea ceremony in the dark living room like we are ghost couple. =.= My brother-in-law's children shoes all 'sunning' in front of the buffet table. And worst thing of all, he actually tiao shen when we are having guests at his place for our wedding buffet dinner. Fine. that my fate ba. 2 marriages oso can't have a decent one. But I'm glad that he is there for me to cheer me up. Just few days after my wedding, he being asked t police station for investigation of loanshark thing. All thanks to a person, Angela. She was his godsister and my best friend. She accused she lend us her atm card for the loanshark thingy and best of all, she even mentioned my name when that has nothing to do with me. She noe the person thru Alvin. She willingly to lend to that person and trying to gain something from that, when things alrite and she gain something from it, she nv said is Alvin.But when thing goes wrong, she start to point finger to us. saying us not being responsible, cause her so many problem and the cheapest thing she do is to go ard and tell all our friend that we are not a good person, irresponsible, trying to push all blames to her. F... off. i feel like gg up to her place to give her 2 tight slaps. From that day she throw my trust and heart in the dustbin, she no longer my friend, but a stranger to me. Slowly, more and more friends starting to tell lies to me. Tell u, my heart was like being cutting slice by slice by them. I asked myself m i such a failure that those friends noe me longer than her actually believe in her and start casting me away by telling lies to me. But from there, i noe who really are my true friends. No matter i happy, sad, rich or poor they are there for me.

June '10: Nothing much happened. Alvin's case hold till they called him up to asked him to go back for investigation.waiting for Baby to arrive and confirm that baby is a girl :D so we started to buy baby things bit by bit.

July '10: We finally decide to call her Jaden Chua. The meaning of Jaden is Thankful which i am thankful that she comes into my life and i wan her to be thankful to people for those who help her in future. Never be a wan en fu e person in future.

Aug '10: Preparing for Baby Jaden to arrive. After 6 years, i have fear to give birth to another baby, but i think it too late to 'regret' it. Hahahah Tummy getting bigger but haha.. i still can carry my tummy to run after the bus. Kena scolding by lots of people said it is dangerous that i run after the bus with a big tummy that going due in few weeks time. Both of my legs become swollen as the due date nearer. Keep talking to Baby Jaden, telling her not to make Mummy painful. Must faster come out to the world and let Mummy see your beautiful face. *Sweet*

Sep' 10: Was suppose to work till end of Sept @ Touch Community Services, but Baby Jaden don allow me.Heez.. 27/09/2010 around 6am, I was waking the kids up for school and when i go to toilet, i saw blood. So i quickly wake Alvin up and told him Baby Jaden want to come to this world. He looked shock and blur. Then i quickly asked him called Sayang up to ask if she can come over my place to look after Lele. Glad she heard the phone, otherwise, i do not know what to do le.To bring the kids with me to hospital or..... Around 7.30am, we took cab to KKH, registered there and i stay in the small observation room for almost 2 hours before any doctor come and see me. around 10am, they pushed me to the big room and Baby Jaden arrived to this world. All the people said she come to this world very fast and i agreed. She really sayang me alot. Tell u something, i think having injection is more painful than giving birth. Hahaha..

Oct '10: Doing the confinement really going to take my life away. So boring and sticky. haha.. Just keep taking care of Baby Jaden in the night time really want my life. She keep waking up in the night and sleep in the day time. Faint...

Nov' 10 - Dec '10: Life goes on without people who keep wearing mask. I find that my life is quieter without all those so-called friends. But my heart still bleeding. Wondering where the truthfulness between friends. Trust? Sincerity? True care and concern between friends?? Can anyone tell me the answer?

Bday.

Yesterday was my bday. It was a boring bday but i am happy that all my love ones are with me. Thank you my friends, Yenlin, Iris and Ah Kang to get me a bday cake last min. Finally my bady is not without cake. hahahahahah.. Was still complaining why my bday so sad without a cake. Thank you Angela, Richard give me the necklaces. Really surprise that Richard actually bought me a necklace. :) Of coz got to thanks Yenlin and Iris to give me the specially present. Really love it alot. heez.. Thank you to all my friends who sent me bday wishes on the facebook.
Thank you my mother who cook red eggs for me on my bday. Last but not least, my kids and Alvin. Thanks them for accompany me on this special day of mine. Thanks Lau Gong for here with me the 2nd bday. Don't have to be sorry that you are not able to buy me present or bring me to eat. 3 words from you i already contented. Love you, Love kids, Love mom and love you all my friends..

Life Now

Hi all, finally got time to sit down to update my blog.
I finish my 1st course last year dec. Learn how to declare permit, Cert of Origin etc... Have decide to go and apply flat this year, but jus now i check, both of me and Alvin CPF account don't have enough money to buy house liao... Haiz...
Work now is stressful. Like everything i do is wrong, is my fault. Worst thing in my life is i got a complaint letter from customer... OH MY GOD!! In my 5 years working life i never got a complaint letter and this idiotic customer no matter how i do they also not happy. I feel i such a failure.Really demoralise me. I do what they want le. I give in my best le. But why they still so unhappy with me. My boss told me that i'm not the only person who kena this from this customer. When one of them on leave, i feel so lucky coz never hear their voice. Hope i have the endurance to tahan their nonsense. But i will never give up shipping coz i like it so much.. :)
Got new that Ah Long getting a unit and heard that he's getting at my area and is very near my blk. Feel so uncomfortable and sense that something is going to happen. True enough that just because of his stupid new flat, he wants me to return the outstanding amount he paid while he apply new SP account. Was damn so angry lor. I paid his debt so much, he never give the kids' maintenance money;now he still got the face to ask me pay back.WTH!!! Ask me to be more understanding that his money is just enough for him to pay the deposit and apply the SP account and buy his house thing. Am I not understanding enough to let him owe the maintenance money coz his new born baby. Din force him to pay the actual maintenance money that the court oredered.Din ask him to pay back what he owe outside and i now still helping him to pay. Now he ask me to be more understanding, what he still want me to do?!?! Then when i in deep shit, did he be that "understanding" to pay up the maintenance money for the kids?? No lor.. Fed up man..He really a useless guy.. Luckily now I have settle the transfer SP account under my name. Dont have to hear his voice barking here..
Enough of complaint.. Feel so much better after writing it out.
My birthday coming but like no mood to celebrate. My fren asked me how i gg to celebrate, i just told her no celebration. Don noe what to celebrate too.. Hahah..
Me and Alvin just pass our 1st yr. I brought him to do a couple makeover for his present but have not collect the album yet. Heez.. But what i wish din come true on the 1st yr anniversary celebration. Think my life will not have the fate of ppl propose to me.. Hahaha.. See how la.. mayb we still din not go to that stage yet.. Me like so desperate hor.. feel kinda disappointed when he din do wat i thought he will but am very happy during the makeover session. He brings up the atmosphere to take the photos. So fun and loving.. Love you and thank you for accompnay me the past whole year.

A question that brought me to my tears..

Today was emailing with my friend. She asked me a question that brought me to tears when i was replying her. She asked if what happen if one day Ah Long's father passed away, will I bring the 3 kids down? If she in my situation she wouldn't know what to do.
I replied her that i wun let them go if Ah long is not responsible to the kids. They want me to be fair to them, 1st of all, they must be fair to my kids. Did they remember they still have these 3 kids surname as LIM?? My kids don even willing to address them now. Kids are innocent and naive, and they are also the only human will tell you the real feeling. Go and ask my kids how they feel about their own father and their own grandfather. What they treat my kids as?? when need to act in front of ppl, then my kids are one of them. When they no need my kids, they can just ignore my kids like they nv existing in this world. i did told his dad i not going to bring them over to pai nian. I in the middle you know. I keep getting scolding from my parents, relatives and friends. They keep asking me to go to court to charge him, but i nv did. if i go, what are the family gg to say about me? Say i hard hearted, want to push Ah Long to the end of the wall, want to take revenge..all kind of nonsense will come out from their mouth. They hurt me can but not my kids. I being hurt by the father and son so many times even we are divorced. the thing they said, how i feel sad and hurt for my kids. No one can understand the pain in my heart. You are a mother too. You know when you see the look on the kids face, how heart pain i was?? tell you something, Zhouhui told me he has 2 daddy, one is his god father and one is my current bf. When i asked him what about Ah Long daddy, he answer shocked me. he told me " I only have 2 daddy.One is Blk 55 daddy and one is alvin daddy. I don want that daddy who don even bother to call and send regards to us. Think he don even remember who am i or di di and mei mei." A Primary 2 boy can said that to me. babe, you tell me how am i gg to react?? I don even dare to cry in front of my bf or any body. I just told him nvm, as long as mummy is always here for you. And you are always wanted by mummy. PAIN~~

That is when my tears start rolling down my cheek... REALLY SORRY MY PRECIOUS KIDS..